More realisations than years of therapy...

 

I started making notes on what to write in my first blog of the module only a few weeks ago.

What is quite interesting is reading those comments back now and realising how I've had a huge changing moment throughout the process of module 3 so far.

I've started collating my thoughts and diary entries over the whole process and can really see my driving force.

I have spent so many years with what I've felt is imposter syndrome in my career, if I was to be completely honest, in life. 

I've never felt good enough. I have done the exams needed, had the performance experiences and continued my learning, however, I've never lived up to the standards I've set on myself because I didn't know every single answer. 

Who can know every single answer to every single question?

I sat and questioned how I got to this point, what drew me to this masters and really stepped back through my major life events.

Through a real reflective period of acknowledging where my true purpose in life began, I have begun quite a powerful journey of self- realisation and what I'm going to call self-actualisation.

I, as do many of us, suffer with depression, my twin brother has been diagnosed as bipolar but the all too stark life changing, flashbulb memory, empty vessel of a feeling moment was ten years ago in June, I lost my cousin to suicide. He was 30 years old and we knew nothing of his struggles until he went missing. My whole world flipped.

On paper I continued with the same area of work, but looking back from that moment on my "making meaning" as we like to call it, had changed forever. 

It's only through emerging myself into module three and therefore continued reflection on previous modules and the RPL essays and through seeing what I am drawn to and how this whole project has shaped and affected my professional (and personal) practice can I now see that as crazy to some as it might sound..... through teaching dance, my aim, my purpose, is to give students an education that is from its core,  rooted in self-belief, self validation and pure kindness to oneself.

You could argue that everyone aims to do this, but I realise this is what every class develops to in how I speak, how I interact, how I use vocabulary, the imagery I use and the environment that I create. 

This is who I am and this is the space and energy that I will now be stepping into and claiming and holding value to, instead seeing it as a secondary factor. 

I can't answer every question because I am not everyone, I am me. I am my experiences, I am my journey and that is what I can offer to my students.

Whilst this is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of this discussion, I can honestly say this is a big moment for me. To finally recognise that I don't have to be everything to everyone, I just have to be the best version of me. Funny how you can tell everyone else that until your blue in the face but forget the mirror at the same time. 

I'm walking with a little bit more conviction and my head held a little higher after this...watch this space.